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Fully licensed Faith-Based Clinical Counseling
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (Illinois)
Licensed Professional Counselor (Pennsylvania)
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"I Want to Forgive But I Still Have Pain
Posted on July 20, 2014 at 3:49 PM |
“I Want to Forgive But I Still Have Pain.” This phrase
frequently comes up during in the course of counseling. Many have injuries from past and even current
relationships that continue to cause pain thus hindering advancement to fuller
productive lives. The desire to move on is
present but former feelings of being hurt, mistreated, ignored, and/or
neglected keep cropping up causing re-injury.
The desire to eliminate these sensations and memories is strong but for
some reason there is an inability to move on.
Efforts to “stuff it down” and “forget about it” just don’t seem to work. Exasperated, they conclude that they
are unforgiving simply based on the remaining sensation of pain and recurring
memories. The feelings can snowball by
adding layer upon layer of frustration, guilt, and anger. Emotions are the GPS system given to us by
God. One big
misconception is that all emotions are bad. But truthfully emotions are a type of natural GPS (Global Positioning System)
given by God to help figure out where we are, where we have been, and what is
going forward in our lives. It can be viewed
as a warning device when we are getting off course. Emotions are meant to flow and not to be
blocked. According to Karla McLaren, the
author of The Language of Emotions, every
experienced emotion contains a message and we must learn how to read the message.
Mistakes are made when instead of properly “reading a message” we decide to
ignore it or impulsively overreact to it.
No one likes the feeling of being angry, hurt, sad, anxious, guilty,
etc. But in reality we must learn to be
mindful of what we are experiencing and be able to take away from it useful
information to help us have fuller lives and better relationships. Common emotions that appear to block our
ability to forgive A common
emotion associated with an inability to forgive is that of fear. Another one is anger. In some ways these two go hand in hand. Fear is the most primal of emotions and is a
trigger for the need for protection. Fears can be real or unfounded due to habit. Anger is a response to the threats that cause fear. According to McLaren, the message of anger is
basically one of protection and contains two main questions that we must ask
ourselves: (1) What must be
protected? And (2) What must be
restored? Anger is the result of some type
of event/stimulus that threatens one’s sense of self, standpoint, or voice. Another common emotion is that of guilt. The message associated with guilt is the
feeling that we ourselves might have violated someone or compromised a code of
ethics. Shame is very similar in that
one feels lessened by being untrue to the community with which they identify or
to their own personal set of core values. To act or not to act Validating
one’s emotions is important, but on the other hand, interpreting the message in
our emotions doesn’t give a license to blow one’s stack or fly into a
rage. We must understand a couple of important points. First, even if an emotion exists, our interpretation of what it means
might not always be correct. There is a
time and place for “righteous anger” and some persons/relationships in our
lives might even be dangerous or pathological to continue. Even Jesus became angry at the money changers
in the Temple. However, prudence and discernment must be used so that
we are not flowing with unbridled destructive passions and become like a
volcano ready to blow. Fear is one
emotion that can very often become out of control and manifest as chronic
anxiety as a result of habit.
Fortunately the brain has plasticity and can unlearn such patterns. Secondly, being able to set clear boundaries
and to restore one’s sense of self without offending the dignity of ourselves,
another, or others are better indications of success, particularly when dealing
with forgiveness. Without realizing it, more
injury can be caused to ourselves and others by improperly reacting to an
emotion. It is important in the cycle of
forgiveness to not perpetuate re-injury with others and particularly within
ourselves. How to check the reliability of the message
in our emotions The basic
principle behind cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is that our perception and
belief of an event effects how we will feel and behave. Checking in with ourselves is essential. Looking for cognitive distortions and
exaggerations are important. Asking
further questions such as “Have I really been violated?” ; “Am I blowing this
out of proportion?”: “Have I really violated someone or some code of ethics?”;
“What have I really lost?”; and “What is the worst thing that can happen?” are
examples. Challenging our own
perceptions can sometimes be quite revealing if we do it with complete honesty. Remember that past emotional wounds leave
scars just like physical injuries. A cut or a
broken bone can leave a scar, so it is with emotions. I still have a scar on my knee from when I was
6 years old when learning how to ride a bike with training wheels on it. I also have a mark on my finger from a cut
from a can of tomatoes after making stew when I was in my early 20s. These cuts no longer cause me pain but the
memory of the event is still there and I can see the scars. If they had not healed properly in the first
place, they could have potentially caused me much more difficulties down the
road. If anyone has ever broken a bone,
they can tell us that the place of breakage is prone to arthritis in later
years. But on the other hand, some
physicians will tell you that sometimes the place of healing of a broken bone
can become much stronger because of the abundance of scar tissue. Forgiveness is an act of the will. Sometimes
when we have made the effort to forgive, the recurring emotions are remnants of
earlier wounds that have not had a chance to heal or require longer time. Forgiveness is an act of the will that occurs
most often way before the feelings subside.
The emotions are the baggage that still can drag behind. In most cases it takes patience and grace
from God for the pain to go away long after the commitment to forgive has been
made. It is important to remember that
it is always possible to forgive in spite of how grave and difficult the
situation. This is possible only because of the example that Jesus gives
us. If we attempt with the best of our human intentions, our feelings
inevitably get in the way. Forgiving with the Heart of God The key to
forgiving is actually with God’s heart. A look at the Gospels shows
that Jesus put a lot of emphasis on forgiveness. In fact, often when
healing a person physically many times Jesus also said, “Your sins are
forgiven”. The whole point of His dying on the Cross was to atone for
sin. He who was not sin became sin.
It is important to leave the door open when considering
forgiveness. That means the door to our heart. If we approach the
situation with a closed heart, we might miss out on someone’s attempt to
reconcile with us. Also when dealing with persons, often it is a matter
of swallowing our pride and taking the first step to repair a relationship.
This is like being a sacrificial lamb. If efforts are met with
rejection, don’t feel defeated but rather pray for the oppressor then go in
peace knowing that you have given it your best shot. Don’t be surprised
if by praying you find your heart softening. That is a healing by-product
of prayer. Remembering without the pain Persons
challenged with post-traumatic syndrome can testify that recurring memories and
flashbacks are frequent obstacles in trying to heal from a past hurt. Fortunately there are some psychotherapeutic
techniques that work well in eliminating the emotional charge from bad memories. One can learn to remember without feeling the
hurt. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization
and Reprocessing) is a method that is very helpful in assisting clients to
properly reprocess emotions that have become stuck in parts of the brain. There is also help in various mindfulness
techniques through meditation and prayer.
Prayer not only helps a person to solicit help from God but also teaches
discipline in ways to quiet the soul and helps one to achieve greater control
over unbridled emotions. Forgiving oneself One final
note is that in order to be able to receive and give forgiveness one must be
able to forgive oneself. Just about
everyone has difficulty with self-compassion. Even the narcissist has a wounded inner sense of self. True humility is not being a doormat but
acknowledging one’s self worth in relationship to God. It is realizing that one is created in His
image and likeness and as such is loved by God unconditionally. True self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem has worldly overtones of competitiveness
in that one has to do things better than others in order to have value. Self-compassion is different in that it
acknowledges that everyone has shortcomings and imperfections but they still
have worth. Forgiving oneself allows one
“to get over it” by realizing that it is normal to sometimes make mistakes. |
Categories: Charity, Cousneling, Following God's Will, Forgiveness
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